Forgiveness Exercises & Resources

By Dr Rangan Chatterjee

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Forgiveness of others has been shown to improve the quality of our relationships, lessen anxiety and stress, reduce blood pressure, improve our immune system function and help with self-esteem.  Try out some of these practical exercises on forgiveness from my book Feel Better in 5.

 

THE FORGIVENESS PRACTICE

Process your resentment by following these steps

All of us have someone in our lives who we could do with forgiving. This health snack has been designed to set you free from the negative emotions you may have been carrying about. Forgiveness is a skill which you can learn and get better at, just like anything else. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. My top tip is to start off with forgiving the small things and, over time, you will feel ready to move on to the big ones.

Sadly, some of you may have experienced significant trauma in your life. If this applies to you, these two forgiveness exercises are not appropriate. I would highly recommend you seek out a qualified professional to help you process your emotions.

  • Find a quiet space and think about who it is you want to forgive. Choose one specific incident that you feel ready to work on.
  • Close your eyes and try really hard to connect with how that act made you feel. Don’t rush this. It is really important to fully revisit this feeling. These feelings can be physical as well as emotional. We store and experience many powerful emotions in our bodies, yet we’re often so disconnected from our physical selves that we don’t notice them. For example, many of us hold tension and stress in our shoulders or lower back.
  • Try to look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. Put yourself in their shoes. Is there anything you can learn from doing so? What might have been going on in their life at that time to cause them to behave in that way? For example, is the work colleague who shouted at you this morning having relationship issues? Was their daughter up all night with a cold? Could they be having a tough time paying their mortgage or credit-card bill? Consider whether you may have played a role in what happened? Imagine the possibilities.
  • Try to forgive them. There are many ways of doing this. Some people can simply let the feelings go once they’ve looked at the situation from the other person’s perspective. Others imagine themselves giving the person a hug.
  • See if you can start feeling any love or compassion towards them, while accepting that we all have issues in our lives and none of us is perfect.
  • If the negative emotions are still there once you have finished, revisit the same incident on your next Feel Better Day. Remember, this is a process, not a one-off event. It may take some time.

It is very hard to give an exact time frame for the duration of this exercise. Sometimes it may take you longer than 5 minutes. It is very important that you work your way through to the end of the exercise and not stop halfway.

 

THE FORGIVENESS AFFIRMATION

Answer these four questions to help you let go of resentment

This is a writing exercise, and some of my patients find it easier than The Forgiveness Practice (above). It’s based around an affirmation, which is a short statement about an intention you have. More and more research is showing that affirmations can be an effective way of changing how we feel. On a new sheet of paper or in a journal, address the following four areas:

  1. Who and what are you ready to forgive? E.g. ‘I am ready to forgive the driver who swore aggressively at me this morning.’
  2. How did it make you feel? Take some time to explore the full range of your emotions. E.g. ‘I felt upset, scared, angry, frustrated and humiliated.’
  3. Why are you doing this and what benefits will you receive? E.g. ‘I will feel calmer. I will feel lighter. I will feel happier. I will feel less stressed.’
  4. What might have led the other person to behave in the way that they did? E.g. ‘Had they underslept? Could their child be getting bullied at school?’

Forgiveness Affirmation: Once you have answered these four questions, write down your forgiveness affirmation. E.g. ‘I forgive the driver and now I feel calm.’ After you’ve written down your affirmation, say it out loud several times if you feel able
to. If not, repeat it under your breath. Say it as many times as it takes to really connect with the feeling. It’s quite possible that over the following days, intense emotions start to bubble up. If this happens, you may find it helpful to revisit the exercise again. Remember, for most of us, forgiveness is a process, not a one-off event. Again, it is very important that you work your way through to the end of the exercise, and not stop halfway.

If the two forgiveness exercises above bring up negative emotions that you are finding hard to manage, I would highly encourage you to seek out professional help.

 

Feel Better, Live More podcast episode with Dr Fred Luskin

What does the word forgiveness mean to you? If the very idea of letting go of a past hurt makes you feel indignant or upset, then listening to this podcast could be one of the best gifts you give yourself.

Today’s guest wants us all to understand why forgiveness matters for both our mental and physical health. Dr Frederic Luskin is a clinical psychologist, researcher, and speaker who has been teaching at Stanford University for the past 30 years. And as Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects, he has taught tens of thousands of people to live happier and more fulfilled lives through the practice of forgiveness, gratitude, and meditation.

To listen and watch this episode click here.

DISCLAIMER: The content in this blog is not intended to constitute or be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or other qualified health care provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this blog or on this website.

Dr Rangan Chatterjee

MbChB, BSc (Hons), MRCP, MRCGP

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